Relics of a different age

If we can't vote them out, we deserve to be ruled by them

A modern all-Indian fantasy tale

Once upon a time, there was a country named Paradise. It had an ancient history, was once the richest country in the world and was freed from evil oppressors by a revolutionary who channeled ancient principles to unite all citizens to a cohesive non-violent unit that the colonial power had no answer to. 

However, not all was well of late. There was trouble in Paradise. Once the colonial powers left, the government that the Paradisans created was slowly but steadily taken over by evil aliens. The aliens looked, spoke and acted exactly the same as the honest, upright Paradisans. In fact, they were identical to the Paradisans in all aspects but one. They were corrupt!!! However, some aliens purported to be representatives of the paradisans and regularly contested elections against one another, just so people have the illusion of choice.

While the Paradisans lived a life that was a mix of idealism and pragmatism, their honesty was never questionable. They never lied, they never faked expenses to avail tax benefits, they never possessed any black money (they always sold houses without taking any black money), they never overcharged customers or hoarded goods in short supply, they never paid bribes to policemen to be let off with a smaller fine than the just punishment for their traffic violations.

Meanwhile, the aliens had eaten much of the innards of the Paradise public life and had lost all fear of being punished for their actions. The aliens siphoned off huge sums of money to foreign lands, making the Paradisans poor and miserable. The honest Paradisans were distraught and outraged, but there was nothing they could do about the bad aliens that were controlling their life. They felt that the aliens just took over from the departing colonial powers and they had never enjoyed freedom at all. Their hopes and dreams were crushed by aliens (even though the aliens were a microscopic proportion of the numbers of Paradisans). Paradise was unraveling before their very eyes.

Then one fine summer morning, a white knight came riding from the horizon. He was accompanied by a band of decorated knights in rainbow cloaks. All the knights were Paradisans of unquestionable integrity (like all the other Paradisans). In fact, so unquestionable that questioning the integrity of any of them would forever taint the credentials of the person asking the questions. The white knight had with him a sheet of paper. The sheet of paper was the deliverance Paradisans had been waiting for. The sheet of paper was also one of unquestionable intent. Questioning its intent, pointing to logical flaws and logistic impossibilities would turn the questioner into an alien.

The knights and the aliens battled long and hard. The battle reached epic proportions, and every Paradisan was directly backing the knights by burning hydrocarbons to cause illumination and by recording missed calls on communication devices. The knights channeled the energies and ancient principles used by the revolutionary (mentioned before) in letter and spirit. Long story short, Knights 1, Aliens 0. The age of the aliens had passed. It was a new dawn.

After the victory, the knights set about implementing the instructions in the sheet of paper. They recruited the services of 20,000 of the honest incorruptible Paradisans to find the aliens hiding in Parliament and government buildings and hang them. The knights and the legion of 20000 (their pals) also set about to get back the wealth of Paradise that the aliens had looted. Turns out, it was easier than it seemed. All the white knight had to do was skip a few meals for a few days and the dragon hoarding all the wealth got scared and returned all the money to the pals. The pals used all this money to develop Paradise, and also handed out the money back to the honest Paradisans by means of credits to their bank accounts.  The elections were now contested only by honest Paradisans and not aliens.

Also, the air was cleaner, the sun rose from the west and Paradisans lifespans were now doubled. All was well. It's just another day in paradise.

The world we live in

Here's a few charts that represent the sorry state of debate in the Indian media. Yes, I'm no expert in such matters. But, when any bitch with a microphone and a camera pointed at her feels qualified enough to point out why we need India-Pakistan talks, I might as well get my 2 paise in. After all, this post IS about precisely that.

If India was a sane country open to rational debate, with responsible media, people with an average IQ of 100, shrewd and realistic officials and a mature leadership/polity that has the country's best interests at heart, the breakup of our mindspace (and media time allocation) with respect to foreign policy would be as below: 

However, India is a stupid nation with an average IQ of 80. Public debates (Elections, media, etc) have no logic. Our media is downright retarded (or appearing so to mirror the public with the objective of gaining eyeballs) and our leadership is not much better. We cannot defend ourselves from repeated attacks from terrorists proudly sponsored by our western neighbours for the past 20 years when the solution for it is so simple (beef up security, make the armed forces and police lucrative careers, provide adequate arms, ammunition and infrastructure to defend and attack, act upon perceived threats instead of hesitating just because the perpetrators belong to a particular minority community). India may be home to an unbroken civilization for the past 10,000 years. However, we display the maturity and excitability of a 2 year old that believes its mother can pop in and out of existence in seconds. We cannot defend ourselves even though our lives are at stake, focus on the trivial and neglect the pressing if it is not right in front of us. Much like the Indian media, which seems to be perfectly in sync with our mental state. Consequently, the breakup of our collective mindspace (and of media time allocation) is as below. 

The Australian focus is because a few Punjabi "students" got beat up in Australia as they are staying in crime-infested areas, working at night and getting illegal wages paid in cash. This is a temporary spike and will die out sooner than an African kid born with aids.

A stabler long term examination of our mindspace over the past 60 years would yield a pie more like the chart below than the chart above.

The chart below represents the perception of India and Pakistan when viewed through the eyes of:

• Indian media
• Pakistan (General Public as well as the media)
• North India
• The U.S of A under Democrats

And the graph below shows the relative sizes of India and Pakistan through the eye sockets of:

• South India
• The U.S of A under Republicans
• Reality

C'est la vie!

A tale of three presidents

The USA has a president who plays basketball

Russia has a president (now PM) who goes fishing and knows Judo

India has a president that can "fly" jets and board aircraft carriers.

Of course, our president is known for symbolic gestures. This is a symbolic gesture to show women can fly combat aircraft. Sure, a 75 year old woman sat in the back-seat of a subsonic flight for half an hour. This directly implies women are capable of overcoming high G forces and taking on hostiles in the event of a landing in enemy territory.

And who can forget her most symbolic gesture, the loud "Fuck you, India".

Well, we have to thank Sonia madam for establishing new standards in the process of evaluation of a candidate to the post. Pranab Mukherjee was not nominated as he was "too important". Probably a better part of the president's day includes watering the plants of Rashtrapati Bhavan.