Ever wondered how things are not what they seem?
Bush supposedly warned Musharraf that they would bomb Pakistan to the Stone Age if they did not cooperate with the US post 9/11. Wouldn't that count as progress?
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
A solution to the Pakistani BoP crisis
So Pakistan has been facing a balance-of-payments crisis of late, and has been forced to go to the IMF with a begging bowl. Any fool would realize they are facing this problem because they need dollars to buy (mainly) oil, and they are not getting dollars to splurge on oil because nobody buys anything that has the "Made in Pakistan" stamp fearing that it may explode. This is predominantly because successive Pakistani governments have invested in guns, bombs and suicide bombers instead of education, manufacturing facilities or agriculture because of their firm belief that their core competence is producing "freedom fighters" who can be very effective even without food to eat.
A few days ago, Manmohan Singh's government was obsessed with probing 'Hindu Terror". Regular media leaks ensured it occupied prime time TV space for an inordinately lengthy period of time. In fact, the great Congress party actually suggested that the Sangh Parivar (Hindu nationalist group) may have outsourced terror ops to SIMI (the other extreme), ensuring that they could blame the Sangh for every bombing activity the SIMI ever conducted.
A few days after the blasts, Pakistani media has already begun whispering awesome conspiracy theories, suggesting that the terrorists may have been Hindu terrorists who gave their life to defame Pakistan (or probably so that the BJP couldwin the Delhi elections). Lets take a look at what they are suggesting..... Here goes...
"What if the terrorists were proved to be Pakistanis and Muslims. That doesn't prove anything. They might have won an outsourcing contract and doing it on behalf of Abhinav Bharat. Or worse. The Hindu terrorists might have dressed up like Islamist terrorists, gotten Paki sim cards, learnt the Paki-Punjabi accent to throw NSG off guard, gotten training in an indian army base, gone from Gujarat to Karachi and from there to Mumbai to give the impression that it was Pakistan that was causing this mayhem."
Seems very plausible I guess....
Now is it just me or does anybody else smell the golden opportunity for Pakistan to solve its balance of payment crisis here? Let me explain...
The only export of Pakistan is terror these days. And they have not been able to monetize it properly. Due to the amazing economies of scale, "Companies" in Pakistan like the Lashkar-e-Toiba can now afford to sell terrorists for half the price it would take for, say, the IRA to build one. So, LeT can offer its services for a fee... And they can customize the offering too. You want a team of three Hindu terrorists (with one manager and two associates), we can handle that. Shave three products of the Institute of Islamic Militancy, put sacred threads on them, give them audio tapes of the local language. IRA wants a team of seven Catholic terrorists, we can handle that too. Shave seven products of the Institute of Islamic Militancy, put on a few catholic crosses, give them audio tapes of the local language and arrange for bleaching sessions to blend in with the Caucasians... LTTE, same case except that you replace bleaching with tanning. We could end up with a monopoly here in this field... And Pakistan will be recognized as a leader in outsourcing services, providing skilled manpower talent for clients all over the world, from the US to Chechnya. From Darfur to the Basque region. After all, they've killed competition, literally speaking... There won't be any balance of payments crisis anymore. We will have a stable rich Pakistan in our neighborhood, so the world will feel safer than it does today...
And what of Bangladesh?
Bangladesh has more cheaper lives, and of a darker hues than the Pakis. Also, they are almost as receptive to the mind-controlling techniques that form the core competence of the LeT and its business partners. So, LeT could in turn outsource lower quality jobs to Bangladesh's indigenous companies. Or the dark skin could be an advantage in certain markets. For example, a Bangla terrorist can be used for the Sri Lankan market, and the Pakistani can be used for Eastern-european markets. This is like probably India outsourcing IT work to China because it is cheaper there. Quality may be a bit less, but the lower prices make the terrorists affordable to a whole new class of buyers who were not able to afford high quality LeT products.
Or dare we say, LeT could face competition from Bangladeshi companies, like IBM faces off versus Infy... So this gets precious foreign exchange to Bangladesh too, if they gain managerial expertise of their own. The Banglas can make some payments to the CPI-M government in West Bengal, as they have been helping Bangladeshis sneak in through a porus border and providing them with ration cards and voter-ID cards so that they can vote for the communists in the state and national elections. So, this tie-up with the left parties can ensure a reduction in the costs for operations in India.
Neat, eh?
A few days ago, Manmohan Singh's government was obsessed with probing 'Hindu Terror". Regular media leaks ensured it occupied prime time TV space for an inordinately lengthy period of time. In fact, the great Congress party actually suggested that the Sangh Parivar (Hindu nationalist group) may have outsourced terror ops to SIMI (the other extreme), ensuring that they could blame the Sangh for every bombing activity the SIMI ever conducted.
A few days after the blasts, Pakistani media has already begun whispering awesome conspiracy theories, suggesting that the terrorists may have been Hindu terrorists who gave their life to defame Pakistan (or probably so that the BJP couldwin the Delhi elections). Lets take a look at what they are suggesting..... Here goes...
"What if the terrorists were proved to be Pakistanis and Muslims. That doesn't prove anything. They might have won an outsourcing contract and doing it on behalf of Abhinav Bharat. Or worse. The Hindu terrorists might have dressed up like Islamist terrorists, gotten Paki sim cards, learnt the Paki-Punjabi accent to throw NSG off guard, gotten training in an indian army base, gone from Gujarat to Karachi and from there to Mumbai to give the impression that it was Pakistan that was causing this mayhem."
Seems very plausible I guess....
Now is it just me or does anybody else smell the golden opportunity for Pakistan to solve its balance of payment crisis here? Let me explain...
The only export of Pakistan is terror these days. And they have not been able to monetize it properly. Due to the amazing economies of scale, "Companies" in Pakistan like the Lashkar-e-Toiba can now afford to sell terrorists for half the price it would take for, say, the IRA to build one. So, LeT can offer its services for a fee... And they can customize the offering too. You want a team of three Hindu terrorists (with one manager and two associates), we can handle that. Shave three products of the Institute of Islamic Militancy, put sacred threads on them, give them audio tapes of the local language. IRA wants a team of seven Catholic terrorists, we can handle that too. Shave seven products of the Institute of Islamic Militancy, put on a few catholic crosses, give them audio tapes of the local language and arrange for bleaching sessions to blend in with the Caucasians... LTTE, same case except that you replace bleaching with tanning. We could end up with a monopoly here in this field... And Pakistan will be recognized as a leader in outsourcing services, providing skilled manpower talent for clients all over the world, from the US to Chechnya. From Darfur to the Basque region. After all, they've killed competition, literally speaking... There won't be any balance of payments crisis anymore. We will have a stable rich Pakistan in our neighborhood, so the world will feel safer than it does today...
And what of Bangladesh?
Bangladesh has more cheaper lives, and of a darker hues than the Pakis. Also, they are almost as receptive to the mind-controlling techniques that form the core competence of the LeT and its business partners. So, LeT could in turn outsource lower quality jobs to Bangladesh's indigenous companies. Or the dark skin could be an advantage in certain markets. For example, a Bangla terrorist can be used for the Sri Lankan market, and the Pakistani can be used for Eastern-european markets. This is like probably India outsourcing IT work to China because it is cheaper there. Quality may be a bit less, but the lower prices make the terrorists affordable to a whole new class of buyers who were not able to afford high quality LeT products.
Or dare we say, LeT could face competition from Bangladeshi companies, like IBM faces off versus Infy... So this gets precious foreign exchange to Bangladesh too, if they gain managerial expertise of their own. The Banglas can make some payments to the CPI-M government in West Bengal, as they have been helping Bangladeshis sneak in through a porus border and providing them with ration cards and voter-ID cards so that they can vote for the communists in the state and national elections. So, this tie-up with the left parties can ensure a reduction in the costs for operations in India.
Neat, eh?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Have a blast in Mumbai
Pun intended. Now for some funeral humor.
We've all heard about the spirit of Mumbai, and about how indomitable it is. After all, it's been a convenient totem pole for CNN-IBN and NDTV to lift their hind leg and piss on, every time there's a blast in Mumbai. When a Bangalorean gives another Bangalorean water or food because they've been stuck in some traffic jam for a day, it's just humanity on display. But when a Mumbaikar does the same, he is a showcase of the "Spirit of Mumbai". Luckily, Bengaluru does not have day-long traffic jams, so I guess that compensates our not having a city spirit to some extent...
When the stock market goes up the day trading reopens after a blast, it's because the spirit of mumbai guides it up, in response to terrorism. I guess the traders milling around in the trading floor of the Bombay Stock Exchange hear some aakashwani the morning after every blast "Thou shalt not be spooked by the bombs in your home. Main hoon na..". This leads to a feeding frenzy among the traders, like sharks who sense blood. So they go on a rampage buying up every stock they can spot. Well, apparently, the spirit of Mumbai went bust over the year, with the stock market falling from 21000 to 9000 in 10 months of 2008. So when the blasts happened and the markets opened, the aakashwani just went "Okay, I've got no money to gamble, and I've got 13 million mouths to feed... I got nothing to say to you guys...", which was why the sensex grazed around aimlessly and randomly ended up higher than the previous close. Not much they can do when the spirit is out of the money, eh?
The day after the first night of attacks, Mumbai was shut, and its spirit laid back at home, resting, watching shitty coverage by CNN-IBN and NDTV... and tweeting in the #mumbai channel. However, the day after that, it got fully aroused as the terrorists were no longer roaming the streets and were confined to Taj, Oberoi and Nariman House. Then it decided that as it can afford only vada-pav, it won't be going to those two hotels for lunch and declared that it will go to work. To show the terrorists that it will not be cowed down by hollow(?) threats. So our spirited Mumbaikar goes to office to do its world-changing job of pushing a pen against paper for seven hours with an hours break in between. On the way, theres rumors of firings at CST. This causes the spirit to drop everything and run. All of Mumbai was on the streets in a hurry to get back. Doesn't that contradict the official version of the spirit? Should it not have gone to the station to get blown up anyway? I'm confused.... How is it an indomitable spirit if a rumor of some firings can turn its legs to jelly?
Now there's a bunch of Mumbaikars that want to get tipsy drinking (and drinking to) the spirit of Mumbai in the very same cafe that was attacked by the terrorists not more than a few hours ago. Cafe Leopold that was attacked by the terrorists denies stag entry. So maybe the terrorists were just a bunch of pissed-off moose who were denied a fun night-out and decided to get in anyways.... How's that for a twist in investigations?
Again, back to the spirit... Don't you dare show sympathy to the Mumbaikar. He doesn't need your sympathy. All he demands is your applause when, two days after he broke both of his legs in a fall, he gets up and walks, to show you how manly he is. Maybe you should go "Salaam Bombay. I slow clap in your general direction"
*Clap*
*Clap*
*Clap*
*Clap*
*Clap*
*Clap*
*ClapClapClapClap*
Hopefully that should make him proud of what he is... And inspire him to run a marathon two days after the next incident (the one where both his legs get chopped off by a meat cleaver). Bravo... A logical extension of this ad, perhaps?
We've all heard about the spirit of Mumbai, and about how indomitable it is. After all, it's been a convenient totem pole for CNN-IBN and NDTV to lift their hind leg and piss on, every time there's a blast in Mumbai. When a Bangalorean gives another Bangalorean water or food because they've been stuck in some traffic jam for a day, it's just humanity on display. But when a Mumbaikar does the same, he is a showcase of the "Spirit of Mumbai". Luckily, Bengaluru does not have day-long traffic jams, so I guess that compensates our not having a city spirit to some extent...
When the stock market goes up the day trading reopens after a blast, it's because the spirit of mumbai guides it up, in response to terrorism. I guess the traders milling around in the trading floor of the Bombay Stock Exchange hear some aakashwani the morning after every blast "Thou shalt not be spooked by the bombs in your home. Main hoon na..". This leads to a feeding frenzy among the traders, like sharks who sense blood. So they go on a rampage buying up every stock they can spot. Well, apparently, the spirit of Mumbai went bust over the year, with the stock market falling from 21000 to 9000 in 10 months of 2008. So when the blasts happened and the markets opened, the aakashwani just went "Okay, I've got no money to gamble, and I've got 13 million mouths to feed... I got nothing to say to you guys...", which was why the sensex grazed around aimlessly and randomly ended up higher than the previous close. Not much they can do when the spirit is out of the money, eh?
The day after the first night of attacks, Mumbai was shut, and its spirit laid back at home, resting, watching shitty coverage by CNN-IBN and NDTV... and tweeting in the #mumbai channel. However, the day after that, it got fully aroused as the terrorists were no longer roaming the streets and were confined to Taj, Oberoi and Nariman House. Then it decided that as it can afford only vada-pav, it won't be going to those two hotels for lunch and declared that it will go to work. To show the terrorists that it will not be cowed down by hollow(?) threats. So our spirited Mumbaikar goes to office to do its world-changing job of pushing a pen against paper for seven hours with an hours break in between. On the way, theres rumors of firings at CST. This causes the spirit to drop everything and run. All of Mumbai was on the streets in a hurry to get back. Doesn't that contradict the official version of the spirit? Should it not have gone to the station to get blown up anyway? I'm confused.... How is it an indomitable spirit if a rumor of some firings can turn its legs to jelly?
Now there's a bunch of Mumbaikars that want to get tipsy drinking (and drinking to) the spirit of Mumbai in the very same cafe that was attacked by the terrorists not more than a few hours ago. Cafe Leopold that was attacked by the terrorists denies stag entry. So maybe the terrorists were just a bunch of pissed-off moose who were denied a fun night-out and decided to get in anyways.... How's that for a twist in investigations?
Again, back to the spirit... Don't you dare show sympathy to the Mumbaikar. He doesn't need your sympathy. All he demands is your applause when, two days after he broke both of his legs in a fall, he gets up and walks, to show you how manly he is. Maybe you should go "Salaam Bombay. I slow clap in your general direction"
*Clap*
*Clap*
*Clap*
*Clap*
*Clap*
*Clap*
*ClapClapClapClap*
Hopefully that should make him proud of what he is... And inspire him to run a marathon two days after the next incident (the one where both his legs get chopped off by a meat cleaver). Bravo... A logical extension of this ad, perhaps?
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Introduction
I don't believe in introductions. I'm not here to make friends, or to find "ideal matches" on the internet. I ain't that desperate. ;-)
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