How to think moral, liberal and progressive: A ready reckoner

Are you worried your friends will ostracize you for your primitive conservative views? Are you concerned that the media may label you as an uneducated immoral bigoted neanderthal lout based on your opinions? Fret not! Your conservatism can be easily cured. Given below are a few short rules that clearly tell you what to think, if you intend to be moral, liberal and progressive. The rules have been filtered from the expressed opinions of liberal thought leaders - Indian media outlets, progressive authors, theater artistes, National Advisory Council members and well-fed guilty Indian liberals. Follow the guide below to evolve into a progressive human, Homo v 2.0.

Generic - Opinions held true by enlightened liberals the world over:

01 - Labor good; Capital bad.

02 - Apple good; Microsoft bad.

04 - Socialism good; Capitalism bad.

03 - Agriculture good; Industry bad.

05 - Homosexuals good; Religious bad.

06 - Immigration good; Border controls bad.

07 - Marxists and Maoists good; Soldiers bad.

08 - Taxes good; Private property rights bad.

09 - Dole and subsidies good; Tax breaks bad.

10 - Big government good; Big corporate bad.

11 - Women (victims) good; Men (perpetrators) bad.

12 - Feminist (feminist) good; Masculist (misogynist) bad.

13 - Promiscuity, adultery, divorce good; (Hetero) Marriage bad.

14 - Human rights for terrorists good; Human rights for their victims bad.

15 - Killing male fetuses good; Killing female fetuses and hardened murderers bad.

16 - Drugs and alcohol (Rave parties, bars, pubs) good; Pharmaceutical companies bad.

17 - Palestine (and its misunderstood rocket-firing youth) good; Israel (and its Jews) bad.

18 - Reservations for 'disadvantaged' (E.g., Rich women) good; Questioning effectiveness of these crutches bad.

19 - Discrimination by and for 'disadvantaged' (empowerment) good; Discrimination upon and against 'disadvantaged' (harassment) bad.

20 - Minority (gods, idols, icons, rights, festivals, customs, traditions, music, languages, places of worship, laws, holy books, beliefs, food, leaders, feelings, opinions, rioters) good; Majority bad.

Specific - Opinions unique to enlightened liberals of India:

21 - Kashmiris and Pakistanis good; Gujaratis bad.

22 - Love marriage good; Arranged marriage bad.

23 - Beef good; Vegetarianism (elitist), cows and jallikattu (bull-taming) bad.

24 - M F Husain (artistic freedom) good; Salman Rushdie (blasphemous provocation) bad.

25 - Secular political parties (including minority communal parties) good; (Majority) Communal political parties bad.

Extra Credit - A few thoughts to commit to memory. Repeat ad nauseum:

Social justice and 'truthiness' trump evidence.

Facts are necessarily politically correct.

Truth is a matter of opinion.

Rules are for other people.

Now, score yourself (out of 25; 1 for each point you agree to, 0 for each you don't) to determine your position in the spectrum between conservative caveman (0) and liberal fairy (25). When you maximize your score, expect the following to happen:

01 - Minstrels will sing songs about you.

02 - You will fart rainbows ala Nyan Cat.

03 - You will be visibly (and audibly) shocked and appalled by anything remotely rightist.

04 - The government will treat your suggestions on how to waste others' money as gospel truth.

05 - You can bring about world peace and universal brotherhood, if only everybody listened to you.

06 - The love child of a female Padmashree (FYI: NOT a Pulitzer Prize equivalent) awardee journalist and a female Booker Prize awardee author will be your groupie.